Dorm #2: I'm Not Okay (I Promise)

It was simply getting to be too much. Christian was surely going to explode if he didn't get some of this stuff resolved, and he might make a choice he'll regret forever. Oz had been a lot of help when it came to him thinking he was a completely heartless, no good human being but he still wasn't convinced that he was a good guy either. Now that his quidditch team had lost their third game in a row as him captain, and this time by much more than usual, he was sure he was no good. At the current time he was seriously considering resigning as Cerisier captain and letting someone else take over, someone who could better the team unlike him who was surely dragging them down.

However he didn't want to do anything that serious without at least talking to someone about it first to be sure it wasn't sure some crazy idea that was taking over his mind, no matter how real it seemed. He was sure it needed to be done, this was just an extra precaution. Since earlier this year he had already inconvenienced Oz with his pointless ramblings and he hadn't seen much of his other best mate he decided that would be who he'd ask. He missed seeing the boy and he could use some help, so he sent him a note asking him to come up to his dorm to talk. If all went as Christian was hoping the boy really did care for him as much as Christian hoped and he'd come up and talk. Worst case scenario he'd resign without talking to someone and life goes on.

Xavior knocked on Christian's door, and entered without waiting for an invitation inside. Crossing the room, he hopped onto Chris' bed and sat cross-legged. "What's up, Chris?" He asked quietly. He knew that his friend was still hurting from the loss of his father, so he was prepared to comfort him in any way possible. Xavior really hated seeing his friends upset. It made him uncomfortable, and hr started picking at his shoelaces. "You can tell me anything," he added, and he meant it. He really loved Chris and wanted him to be happy, to stop hurting, to smile like he did before, before this awful mess.

Christian sat on his bed cross legged flipping through the pages of a book without actually reading anything. He continued to flip the pages absent minded like until he heard a knock at the door. He placed the book on his side table and started to get up when the door opened and his guest let themselves in. Turned out it was just Xavior so Christian just sat back where he'd been and gave the boy a small, obviously fake smile. Now that the boy was here the teen wasn't sure as to what to even say now, it was going to sound completely stupid to be just like 'yeah so I'm gonna resign'. How completely lame did that sound, it would seem as if he was trying to get Xavor to talk him out of it, which maybe he was after all. Maybe this was a mistake and he should've just gone through with it without saying anything.

"Well besides the obvious stuff I'm sure Oz told you about with this summer. I'm starting to think maybe I need to resign as captain and leave the team. I mean like, they are obviously not getting nay help from me and they even seem to be getting worse each game. I sort of owe it to them to let them have someone who can improve them right?" He said rambling on a bit at the end. He fidgeted with the edges of his quilt now feeling kind of weird about having even called the boy all the way upstairs for something so silly.

Xavior's eyes widened at Christian's words. For as long a he had known Chris, he had played quidditch. It was part of him, even Xavior saw that. "What? You can't, you love quidditch. You're just going through a rough patch." He said and reached out to touch Chris' leg, offer him some comfort, because no way was he letting his friend fucking quit. "You're good. You can win, and you have, so don't throw it away. Or I will fucking knock some sense into you, and that's a promise." He winked. "And I know you love the game, so why should you resign? You're a great captain, even if you are a dick about it." Xavior stuck out his tongue.

Christian already knew going in what Xavior was going to say when he was told about the teens desire to resign. Anyone that knew him in the slightest knew quidditch was one of the most important things in his life. He was going to tell him he was being completely ridiculous and many other things about why it was stupid to think like that. He still felt the same way though. He listened to the rest of what the long haired boy had to say but kept his head down, all the while absentmindedly playing with the tips of Xavior's fingers that lay rested on his leg.

"Xavior you really can't tell me that you haven't noticed Cerisier getting worse with each game. Obviously I can't help but to think more poor skills as a captain not just this year, though this years been the worst." He said simply. "Oh and I'd love to see you try to knock sense into my, no offense of course." He said with a wink, trying to act more like himself though it was obviously still forced.

Xavior growled as Christian kept putting himself down, and when he questioned Xavior's ability to knock some sense into his thick skull, Xavior decided it was time to act. He pounced, flinging his weight into his friend's body, trying to pin him down and grabbing for his wrists. "You are so, so stupid." He breathed heavily, becoming aware of their compromising position but choosing to ignore it. "How can I make you see how good you are? How amazing you are at leading the team? Listen for once, stupid boy." At this point, Xavior was fed up with the pity party. If Chris couldn't see reason on his own, Xavior would make him.

Christian was completely taken by surprise when the scrawny boy slammed into him and easily pinned him to the bed. Well that was definitely not was he was expecting to come from his little meeting with his friend. It sure did get his attention though, which was probably the boy's goal the whole time, and he did listen. Though it really was just a lot of the same of what he already heard. Something Xavior said actually stuck in his mind though. "You know what, you're right." He said before pausing. "I am stupid."

Before the other boy could say something in response to the teen calling himself stupid he continued to explain. "I'm too stupid to lead the team that already has so much potential, I'm too stupid to ever think of a good topic for SAQ, I'm too stupid to realize that brooding won't suddenly make me care my dad's dead, I'm too stupid to realize my uncle doesn't really want me there, and I'm way too stupid to understand that no matter how much I wish it my mum is never coming back to me, and I'm too stupid to realize that this is going to be a bad idea." He said not realizing that his comments were starting to get more family involved instead of quidditch. After his little 'too stupid' speech he had evoked a lot of buried feelings, some long since buried.

As to hold true to that last comment he easily broke his wrist free from Xavior's grip before grabbing at the collar of the boy's vest and pulling him down the rest of the way to the bed. Once he had the boy down to his level he kissed him roughly. After his mini speech there was a gigantic amount of emotion coursing through Christian that he simply did not know how to handle let alone know how best to channel it. After a few moments the teen moved his hands from his friends collar up to tangle them through his long brown hair. Christian was prepared to continue this until one of them ran completely out of breathe if Xavior would let him.

Xavior's eyes had started to brim with anger and sympathy as his friend delivered his speech so that when he was abruptly pulled into the kiss, wetness smeared against his cheeks and Christian's. On top of that, a strange little gasp escaped his lips right before they smashed against Chris'. From past experience, the other boy did not kiss like that, he pushed and shoved his way out of this sort of situation because no, he did not like Xavior that way and he never would, so Xavior decided he was entitled to a little confusion. But it was increasingly hard to think with a warm, strong body against his and wow, where did all of those muscles come from? Xavior kissed back until he was gasping and only pulled away because it was necessary if he wanted to live to kiss again.

There was no way to explain to anyone what it was that caused the teen to do the strange things he did, specifically this situation right now. He was a bit surprised to find that when he kissed Xavior his face was wet, smearing the tears across both their cheeks. He had been about to pull away to question this but that thought left pretty quickly when Xavior started kissing him back. Finally they had to break apart from lack of breath. During this break though the teen moved his hands from where they were knotted in his friends long hair to his cheeks instead, there he used his thumb to wipe away the remaining tears that hadn't been transferred to his own face. "What are all these about?" He asked with a raised eyebrow.

The range of emotions that were currently flowing through Christian like poison in his veins varied so much he wasn't sure how to handle them, or what they might make him do. These emotions ranged from; frustration at not being able to train such a promising team to win a match, to stress from not being able to think of a good topic for his club ever, to anger at his father for never giving a damn about him so that when he died the boy looked heartless when really his father was the heartless one all along, to rejection from his thoughts about his uncle not really wanting the boy at his house but simply felt obligated to take him in, and finally the most confusing of the emotions. The emotions he felt when talking about his mother's death that he never once discussed with a single person. These emotions ranged  from love to deep sorrow and everything in between.

Xavior sighed into Christian's touch on his face. It felt nice, even though the emotions he felt behind it were painful. "You. They're about you. Stop... stop hating yourself! Please..." Xavior felt his eyes burning with fresh tears at how his friend had been putting himself down. He avoided looking at Chris and instead kept his eyes trained on his knees, which is when he realized, wow, he was still stradling his friend. They were still close enough that Xavior could feel the other boy's breath on his cheek and his hips between his thighs. His face heated up and he sucked his bottom lip into his mouth, biting hard and suddenly feeling very uncomfortable. He wasn't sure if he should move so he just stayed in his spot on top of Chris.

Since there was really no reason in the world Christian could think of that would make his mate cry like this he didn't know what to expect. If was to make a random guess though it wouldn't be that he was crying over the Cerisier's opinion of himself. As long as Xavior had known the other boy he had had the same opinion of himself, and it was never a good one. That was why he didn't care what other people thought about him because there was no way their opinion could be lower than his. He noticed the boy was refusing to look at him when he answered, which admittedly hurt some. He didn't even noticed the added weight of his mate who now had most of his weight rested on his body. He had other things on his mind, like making his mate stop crying. He first wiped away the tears again before taking the boys chin between his thumb and forefinger and making him look at him. "Are you really crying over me? Hardly worth it I promise you, but if it'll make you happy I'll stop." He said with a small smile.

Of course he was probably not going to change his opinion about himself that easily but he would make a note not to say anything about it around Xavior anymore. "No more tears now." He said softly before lightly pressing his lips on Xavior's once more, this time it would be up to the other boy what came of that. Some of the emotions that had been tearing through his mind and body were starting to fade now that all the intense and unexpected actions were fading as well.

Xavior pursed his lips but let the topic slide for now, knowing that Christian was still having destructive thoughts but not wanting to push it anymore. When Christian kissed him again he giggled into it. "You're too sweet. It's gross." He teased after pulling away. "You're just a big sap." He poked Chris' nose with the tip of his finger, grinning stupidly. "So, would it be okay if, y'know, I did... this?" He quickly leaned in and sloppily pressed his lips against his friend's, missing the friction in the few seconds since they had touched. It just felt so, so good and in that moment one of his best friends didn't hate himself, he didn't have a mound of homework, and everything was fine. It was just the two of them, warm and close and together.

One day, hopefully one day soon, Christian wouldn't let old, irrational emotions control how he acted. Some day he was going to do something because he consciously wanted to, instead of constantly looking back at these kinds of situations and then evaluating what happened. The frustration he felt from not being able to couch his team like he should was turned into frustration from always seeming to make his mate cry from something he said, so the solving of the tears was even a past emotion. He was barely aware of the current position he was currently lying in with his best mate of all people in his dorm, and he barely heard or processed a single word the boy said. That of course lead to him being slightly taken off guard when a sloppy kiss was pressed upon his lips, even though he was given plenty warning. Christian's first reaction that though was to continue it so once Xavior started to pull away the teen picked up his head to reach his lips again, this time more like the first one.

This time he even went as far as to trail his tongue across Xavior's bottom lip, which must have been the point where the Cerisier's emotional high ended. He immediately broke the kiss there and removed his hands from where they had gone back up to play with the boys long locks. He then simply whispered "Why don't you hate me? "

Xavior's heart rate picked up at the feel of Chris' tongue on his lip, but suddenly it was over, and again Chris was saying stupid, stupid things. Xavior just sighed. He had no idea what to do at this point. "I don't hate you because you're amazing. You don't deserve to be hated. You deserve to be loved. I love you. How do I convince you of that?" He slipped out of their embrace and stood up, crossing his arms. "I don't know what to do. Please tell me what to do." His voice hitched desperately and his eyes were wide. He just wanted it to stop. Wanted his friend to be happy. Wanted everything to be normal again. "I don't know what to do." He repeated quietly.

Christian couldn't bring himself to meet his friend's eyes after asking his question. Of course he was expecting the kind of answer that he received but it didn't make him any happier to hear it. "No, no I don't deserve to be loved, especially not by you." He countered, getting up as well. Standing in front of Xavior he felt even worse when he demanded to know what the Cerisier wanted him to do. Why was he so concerned with making him happy all the time. "How can you not hate me when I do what I do to you?" He demanded. "One year I make you run out of the cafe crying and the next we're fucking making out on my bed. I'm pretty sure they call that mixed signals, and serious ones. The worst part is I don't like you, or any guy in that way and I never will. So that will make three different times I've completely changed my reaction to this shit and somehow you're not at all mad at me for toying with you like this." Christian explained in a rush. He knew that what just took place on the bed meant more to Xavior emotionally than it did to him. The Montgnard was known to be more emotional about these things and Christian knew all he was doing was hurting his friend, hurting him just about every time he saw him anymore. He didn't want to hurt him anymore.

Xavior couldn't even speak. He was numb. He couldn't fucking believe one of his best friends had said that. Admitted to using him, and come to think of it he had. How could he have been so fucking stupid? He hadn't realized he was crying but suddenly his cheeks were wet. If this was what Chris wanted, he could have it. "I fucking hate you. You're a horrid bitch. Don't ever fucking talk to me again. I swear to Merlin I will rip your balls off." Xavior spat. He knew it was wrong, considering how hurt Chris was, but dammit he was hurt too, and lashing out seemed like a good idea.

While often times Christian was able to predict the things people would say before they did, he really didn't know how Xavior was going to react next. If he had even attempted to he probably wouldn't have come to the conclusion that he'd react the way he did. The Montagnard exploded as if he only just realized how horrible his friend was, but at least Xavior was admitting it and calling him the things he deserved to be called, unlike Oz who trying to tell him he wasn't any of those things. There was nothing for the boy to say in return, and he really needed to hear the things Xavior was saying so he simply stood there with her arms outstretched. He listened and took in every insult thrown at him, he knew he deserved these things. He had silent tears starting to slowly slip down the sides of his face. "I know." was all he could say in a low whisper while the other boy talked. He left his arms outstretched inviting Xavior to hit him if that's what he felt he needed to do.

"Dammit!" Xavior shouted. "I can't even fucking hate you without you making me feel bad. Fucking stop the pity party. Don't let me call you names. Do something!" Xavior ranted. He couldn't tell who he was more angry at: Chris or himself. It seemed like everything he said or did just made it worse but he was rooted in place, unable to flee the destruction of his friend, only able to watch as he imploded. It was too much. He was only fifteen for Merlin's sake! He shouldn't be dealing with the self-torture of his best friend, shouldn't have to deal with boys using him to experiment. He should have fun, kiss boys that actually liked him. And that's what he would do. He would find a proper boyfriend, and be happy. And Osmund seemed to have figured his shit out enough to work.

Christian continued to stand in front of his yelling friend as he was. Once the boy was done he spoke up, "What do you want me to do Xavior? I just want to make you happy so tell me what do you want me to do. If staying out of your life is what it takes to keep from hurting you I can do that, just tell me what it is you need me to do." Christian was now fully aware that he was not sure about anything anymore. The only things he was sure about was that Xavior and Oz were two of the most important people in his life and he was prepared to do whatever it took to stop hurting them. The other thing he was sure about was that these past few years his actions with them were horrible and he should've just been honest with them instead of going along to appease them. He could make excuses until morning but truth was he was a monster that simply hurt everyone that came near him, he was just one gigantic ass of a monster.

"And I want you to be happy. Maybe we should just stay out of each other's lives, just for a little while. We both need to think. Just give me a few days. Please." Xavior's words were choked. This wasn't really something he wanted to do, but it seemed necessary. Maybe after some time apart Christian could sort himself out, and Xavior could figure out how to help him. It would probably be difficult, and he really didn't want to leave the other boy alone, but he honestly didn't know what to do and he needed time. Hopefully this would help.

While he had been the one to bring up the suggestion of getting out of Xavior's life to make him happy he had really hoped that wasn't what it came to. Obviously the other boy had other ideas about it, only he meant just for a little while and not forever. That was really the best thing for them at the time it seemed, problem was Christian had spent the past year almost alone and thinking things over. At least the Montagnard would have time to think things over and maybe he would decide in that time that Christian's emotional damage was just too much for him to handle. Maybe he would decide to stay out of the boy's life forever, of course he wouldn't blame his mate for that decision and would be happy that he wouldn't be able to hurt him so, but also more depressed than ever. This few days away was probably the only thing they could do at this point, and they both knew it. "Take as long as you need, in fact you don't ever have to come back. Just do what's best for yourself alright, promise me that you'll do what's best for you." He told the boy solemnly.

After the long haired boy left his dorm Christian lost the last bit of strength he had left and collapsed onto his bed. He pulled his knees up to his chest, wrapping his arms around them. And for the first time since his mother's death five years ago, tears started freely flowing down his face, mixing with Xavior's from before, eventually they washed away completely leaving nothing of the boy in the room.