Doubt

A low pressure system was starting in France. It was bringing quick-moving winds and storms. And it was predicted to be this way all summer. It was bad for businesses because they would lose their foot traffic. And it was bad for power companies, Muggle or otherwise, because it would knock out power lines. Jonas and Kat's apartment, as well as the rest of Amythest Alley and Whisper Alley, were not immune to the occasional power outage. And it was so bad, that all of Jonas' classes had been cancelled due to having no air conditioner and a too-hot-kiln. It was kind of a mess, especially with Jonas' final recital just three weeks away, but he was happy for the break.

The young man had spent most of the day playing his acoustic bass in his quiet, powerless apartment. When it officially got too dark to see anything, he decided to go for a walk. All of the street lamps were lit with magic, so they would never go out unless someone magically took the ability away. Jonas found that comforting for whatever reason. He continued to think about it as he walked down the empty street and it was slightly still on his mind as he opened the door to the robe shop.

He knew Kat would be unbusy all day. And she was also possibly the only employee in the shop, so maybe she'd like company.

Jonas hadn't told Kat about Parker.  There was no reason. It would only upset her and he didn't want that. And also, it wasn't like there was a competition. As much as Jonas wanted Parker, it was clear that the feeling wasn't mutual. Isobel was of course right about him being unhappy, but maybe that too would pass.

The store was empty, but his girlfriend was nowhere in sight. "Kat?" he called. The store was lit by candle light, so he knew she was here somewhere.

Katherine Hayle was oblivious to a lot of things. It wasn't something that the young woman did intentionally, and to be sure it wasn't the result of any sort of disinterest. No, Kat just lived in her own world a lot of the time. She saw things in much the same way that a child does- a series of snapshots, each their own vivid and beautiful image, yet became stagnant and underwhelming in the grand picture known as the universe.

Kat wasn't narrow-minded in the typical sense, rather she narrowed her focus from one moment to the next. She never liked thinking of the future because that would cause her to look too far forward and see the end result of life, which completely stalled her thoughts of the present because of the way that her life in the end would become nothing. Not only this, but she could often see the result of her actions so powerfully that it vexed her when taking steps to get there. She wanted to go straight to the end, and not gruel it out in the dull lull of each passing day she hadn't achieved her goal.

She liked viewing the past much better, as she had many good memories and could draw upon them in the bad times. However, getting lost in the past also meant remembering the hurt that lingered there, wounds and scars much better left to be lost in the ether. It also made her think of where she had been, instead of where she currently resided. Thus she couldn't enjoy each day in its vibrance and treasure the relationships and happiness that she had now, and instead would once again halt herself by only thinking of those whom she had meant instead of those who she could meet and impact.

Yes, the red-head was much more of a day to day thinker. She only viewed both the past and future through a tinted lens of finality, in which it was only in short increments and never transpired her thoughts of the now. That was why she, as opposed to Jonas, was the happiest person on earth, and oblivious to his misgivings.

This limited view came in handy in times like today. Kat had spent all the previous day sowing, making sure her little store had enough supplies. She was the only employee here, though she supposed that was all that was needed. She'd never felt short-handed or pressured in her job to work harder than she was comfortable. There was always a stock of robes and fasteners, all hand-made by her, and she had multiple slow days during the month, especially far into the semester. Jonas was right- today was one of those days, and she was swiveling around in a chair, her stomach feeling queasy from spinning far too much. The lights flickered above her and the wind howled outside, but she was giggling when the bell for the shop tolled- slowly bringing herself to a shop as she chirped a kind "Come in!" When she spotted who it was, she leapt to her feet, staggering drunkenly to Jonas and hugging him.

"Jonas! How are you doing? It's so nice of you to drop by the store- you've never done that before... and it's time for you to be in class.." Perplexed, she asked. "Are you ditching?" and with a smirk, she added. "I've rubbed off on you, huh?"

Jonas smiled as he saw Kat bounce out of her seat. She hugged him and he wrapped his arms around her. "Hi," he said, less excited than she was, but still with some detached enthusiasm. "No, I'm not ditching. There's no air conditioner at school, so they canceled classes for the day," he explained, "There's no power at home and it's about to storm really badly. Hopefully it'll chase away some of the heat."

Then Jonas felt it. Guilt. He had no idea why, but it was always there gnawing at him whenever he was with Kat. If he knew how to express it, he would, but he found every explanation in his mind to be incredibly shallow. And he was very unsure of what to do. He wasn't cheating and would never, but why did he feel like he was?

"I'm... not bad," he lied. "I wanted to make sure you were okay. I figured you'd be okay with the company."

Suddenly, thunder shook the walls of the little shop and the lights went out with no sign of turning on again. "Lovely. What are you supposed to do in an event like this?" he asked. This whole weather situation was dreadful.

It bore repeating that the red-head had very high-tendency to be oblivious to things, but there were some thing that became so apparent that they alerted even her. There were multiple alarms that blared inside her head: first when he sounded less enthusiastic than usual with his greeting, another when he didn't return her teasing banter about her rubbing off on him, and finally the lack of a true embrace. He hugged her but it seemed less warm and comforting than usual, and just as she was about to kiss him she was released and he spoke, thus shattering her thoughts and replacing them all with the crushing realization that something was wrong. And when Kat became aware of things, they had gone horribly wrong.

Still, she had no reason to believe that the reason he wasn't in the sunniest of moods was because of her. She hadn't seen him until now, and he hadn't shared his thoughts with her yet. And besides, she loved Jonas, and found herself feeling selfish for believing that he had to be in a good mood just for her. That was the opposite of the truth, and definitely not something she wanted him to interpret as she replied.

"Oh, well that's a win-win for you. You don't have to go to class, and you don't have to melt inside a scalding campus building!" she laughed. "Now you get to melt inside a pitch black dusty robe shop! Well, actually it's not dusty. I've been trying to tidy up all day since I've been ahead. What have you been doing?" she inquired.

Kat had no way of knowing that Jonas had lied, always trusting him completely even before they'd started dating. She flushed scarlet in the dim light as he said he wanted to make sure she was okay and wanted to keep her company. She didn't restrain from kissing him softly. "Thank you! That's so kind of you. I'd definitely love you to stay here for bit; no one's been here all day. I'm sorry you had to come at such a bad time, though. I hope the walk from campus wasn't too rough."

When the light-bulbs flashed and then went out, the red-head gasped with surprise, jumping out of reflex. She was just about to say something, but Jonas muttered before she could. She thought, then grinned. "Don't worry! I've got some candles! Be right back." And thus she was off, racing towards the back room as if racing for an Olympic medal. She squealed in success when she found the candlesticks and matchbox in the dimness, and she hustled back. "Found'em-" she panted. She lit the candles and handed one to Jonas, hoping the tiny flickering light would improve Jonas' mood. She contemplated on his quip for a few minutes, looking genuinely concerned.

"There's not a lot, I'll give you that. But I'm sure we could keep ourselves busy." Her suggestion to return to their house had been prematurely shut-down by him saying there was no power there, either. Instead of taking away the heat, the storm seemed to have brought a humidity that went passed the little store, and Kat subconsciously wiped her forehead. "Talking's about the best thing I can come up with. Is there anything on your mind that I can help with?" she asked, thinking maybe he hadn't done so well on an exam or something. She hoped this prodding would convince him to speak up so she could help him.

Jonas smiled wider. "I'd tell you that you were doing a good job, but I haven't been in here since I was sixteen and had that growth spurt," he joked. "And I'm okay with melting. I do it all the time on stage. The lights are really hot."

The boy shrugged. "Well, I practiced for the recital until it got too dark to see. There are going to be a lot of big music people there and if I can establish myself, that would be really nice," he explained.

He kissed her back very softly. He didn't want to get carried away. One, they were technically in public. And two, there was no point. Maybe that was one of the reasons he was so frustrated, but he'd like to think he was above that.

Jonas took the candle. "Is it time for ghost stories?" he asked, holding the flame under his chin.

His heart started beating faster. Would he feel better if he just came clean about how he was feeling and what he wanted? He had the opportunity. He could take the bait. He turned the idea over in his head before shaking his head. "No. I'm just nervous for my recital. As soon as the semester is over and I'm out for the summer, I think things will be better."

Another round of thunder shook the building again. "That's irritating," he expressed. "How are you?"

Kat laughed, glad that his humor seemed to have returned. She loved that about her boyfriend- the way he laughed at her jokes and him at hers. It wasn't long for her to be back on cloud nine inside the darkened shop. "Yeah, you wouldn't really know I suppose," she smiled, nudging him. "But I hope I'm doing good enough."

When he mentioned the stage, Kat's eyes glinted with interest. She always loved hearing him talk about music. She was horrible at it herself, and always felt badly that she couldn't relate, so she tried to learn and listen as much as possible. "That sounds dreadful; but I'm sure it ends up all being worth it. I've never been on stage before... my voice is horrid and no one wants to hear me speak for longer than they have to. I get too distracted."

"That would be so great! I'm sure you'll be able to get a big break~. Is it something the public can go to? I'd love to come support you. Maybe it'll help you not feel so nervous! I'll be nervous enough for both of us," she chuckled.

When he didn't kiss her back, she didn't think much of it, also noting that they were in public, with a few people passing by hurriedly to get out of the harsh storm. Someone might even come into the shop. It was open, though with the lights out a rushing onlooker may think otherwise.

When he suggested ghost stories, she clasped her hands together. "That's a great idea! I always loved telling and hearing ghost stories."

Kat rubbed his shoulder. "I guarantee it will be. I'm sorry if you're stressed, but I'd really like to help. But if you don't want to talk about it, that's fine, too. I know I can't always relate."

The red-head's words were drowned out by the thunder, and she seemed saddened that nothing she was doing was making him his usual peppy self. "Oh, I'm great! Nothing to complain about at all. Everything's been an amazing blur these pasts few months." She didn't linger on herself much, more concerned about whatever he was thinking about than her own well-being.

"It smells clean. Like citrus," he commented. "So I'd say you're doing fine."

Jonas shrugged. "I'd listen to you," he replied. "And there's more to music than playing. You could always learn other things. Like mixing. You just need a decent ear. Or conducting. You just need to read music and have rhythm. I'm excited for those classes. Next year."

Jonas shrugged. "You can come if you want. It'll be really long, but it should be really good. I think it's broken up by class years, so freshman, sophomore, etcetera. I have to stay for the whole thing. I have to be sound tech when I'm not on stage," he explained.

Jonas laughed. "I was kidding. I'm not at all scary. You could tell me one, though. We should sit down somewhere. Maybe brace for impact, considering this whole town is rumbling," he joked half-heartedly.

He jumped a bit at her touch. Jonas wasn't expecting it. Not only that, visibility was about zero, even with the candles. He took a step back, slightly out of her reach. "Sorry. You startled me," he explained weakly. She had to know something was up. Even he knew he was acting strange. "There's not much to talk about. It's just there. I would really like to tour this summer. It's just difficult because I don't have a band anymore. You can't be a bassist on your own."

Jonas missed playing with Max, Teddy and Parker. Other than not having a lead singer, they were all at different stages of schooling. They weren't the best band ever, but they had a ton of fun and basically never argued.

A blur was a good way to describe Jonas' situation. "I know the feeling," he said with a sigh.

Kat blushed and thanked him, glad he thought she was doing a good job. It was always nice to get praise from him. She always appreciated it. "Yeah. I can't say the same for out apartment. We try out best but the shower still smells like mold." That wasn't to say she didn't love their apartment, especially when Jonas was there with her, but it definitely had some quirks.

The seamstress brightened, but laughed. "Yeah, but you'd be the only one. I didn't have a lot of friends in school because I was too annoying. I agree with them looking back, but me knowing now doesn't help me make friends with them now. They don't think I've changed. Maybe I haven't," she murmured, uncertain. "But I'd really like to be able to learn how to do something like that!" Finally, she thought she had her Segway. A way to bond with Jonas over music even if she couldn't play or sing. "I have a better ear than patience and ability to learn how to read music. I'm glad you're excited to take your classes! It's always better when you like what you're being taught."

"I'd love to come! Especially if I am going to learn mixing, I'd love to be able to see some of the equipment in action, even if it's not everything that I'd use or you can't stop to teach me about them. Plus I always love watching you~."

"No kidding!" Kat laughed. "It definitely feels like a disaster movie. We can find somewhere to sit- I know a couple, if you really interested in hearing one, that is."

"You're fine," she murmured worriedly, leaping back herself at his upright jolt. "I didn't mean to scare you. I'm sorry." She thought he was definitely acting odd, but she went on trust that he didn't have anything he wanted to talk about. She'd asked repeatedly what was wrong, and he's said nothing, so she believed her boyfriend. "You'd know more about it than I would. I would tell you no matter what you could play on your own, but clearly I'm in the dark about it. Who knows? There's no reason you can't find your band-mates and get back together again!" Parker had left and the two had broken up, so she figured that would probably be impossible, but she wanted to cheer him up. She knew how much he had liked being in the band. "I'm sure you miss them."

"I'm sure. You're always so busy. Hopefully it's been the good type of blur, though," she smiled.

Jonas smiled. "Take short enough showers and you don't smell it as much," he teased. "My showers smell like food from the restaurant and shampoo. Like the way they're supposed to."

"I don't think that's why you didn't have friends," Jonas replied. "You hid in your dorm a lot. You have to get some exposure. And you have changed. Why does it matter what they thought of you, anyway? You're a grown woman. They don't even know you. The kid they knew doesn't exist anymore."

"I don't know if I'd be able to teach you. I don't have the equipment. And I'll be working at the show, so I couldn't have you in the booth with me. The whole thing is for a grade," he explained. And to top it off, he was too impatient to be a good teacher. He'd just end up frustrating everybody, forgetting that he was bad at nearly everything until he was taught. He was pretty sure that it ran in the family because Angela and Greg were super impatient, too."

Jonas took Kat's free hand. "You'll have to lead the way. It's really dark and I don't know my way around."

Jonas shrugged. "Maybe after Teddy graduates. I'm still hoping he'll go to college. I wouldn't want to encourage him to do anything that might not work out for him. Ruby would kill me if I ruined his life," he stated. He missed Ruby. Maybe he'd go visit her in Germany over the break. Ruby was the band mom and had been so kind to the boys, even going as far as giving them gifts when she moved back to her homeland.

"And Parker... I don't know. He's on break from touring as far as I know. He was on the radio the other day with his band."

"At times," he agreed.

The red-head nudged him affectionately, smiling at the teasing. Slowly but surely Jonas was becoming more like himself. She desperately wanted to make him fully happy again, no longer burdened by whatever ailments he had on his mind. She wanted to ease the tension between them, seemingly caused by the storm outside. "That's true! I'll make sure to do better from now on." She looked confused as she said this. It wasn't that she didn't want to change, but why did she sound so pleading? It was like she was promising him to change, hoping he would stay, but she had no idea why. Maybe it was a plea for him to feel better about whatever had upset him. She hated anyone being unhappy, but Jonas especially.

Kat shrugged, her own mellow behavior mimicking Jonas'. This wasn't a topic she really liked and was only able to be brought up when laughing it off. "That's true. I did hid away a lot. I like to skip classes, except the ones I had with you~. I'd like to think all that time spent painting actually made it better, but it's gotten me no where." Saying this, she grinned at him.

"That's why I'm so hopeful for you, Jonas! I really want you to get your big break with an amazing band and millions of fans who adore all of you and want all of your used tissues so long as you used them. And so long as it's autographed," she chuckled. "My art is completely worthless, but you clearly have talent! You're so great at what you do and I know you'll make it there soon."

"Sure I'm a grown woman, but no one ever remembers who you are when you're grown. They remember how you were in school. It sticks with you forever. That's why everyone likes you! You were so caring and nice to everyone, even loud-mouth idiots like me."

"I try not to care what they think, and I do want to get some exposure and change. Or at least I did. Now I have you~! You've been my best friend and the best boyfriend. You bring lots of fun places and I've met new people because I hang out with you. So thank you for that."

"Oh, that's too bad. Maybe I can try to take classes in a few years. I'll need to save up money working here." She wouldn't have it any other way. It was improper to not pay for things herself. She paid her share for the right always, even if it left her nothing left over. "I'll still come, though! So long as you believe that me being there will help make you feel better. I don't want to mess with your grades."

"Sure!" Kat was more than happy to hold hands with Jonas, squeezing it as she brought him to the break room with the candles. "Hopefully there's more light in here. Don't worry- I know this place like the back of my hand."

"It's always worth bringing up again. And besides, no one can make that decision but him. Telling him his options is better than him thinking there are none." When he mentioned Ruby, she smiled. "I'm sure she wouldn't do that! And I can help you plan a trip if you'd like."


She squeezed his hand again at the mention of Parker, hoping to give him strength. "I'm sure that was rough. Is... is that why you're upset?" She hesitated in asking.

"Oh... so things, like... exams?" she tried suggesting, hoping the bad blurs weren't her. That she wasn't just becoming a wisp of a bad memory. "And having lots of homework?"

Jonas was so confused. "I honestly couldn't tell you what I was like in third year, let alone what you were like. And you were my best friend! I doubt anyone will remember what you were like before age sixteen."

Jonas laughed. "Practice always makes better. And you have just as much talent as me, you're just trying to get work in a more difficult field than I am. If my music is played on the radio for three weeks, your art would have to be hung in the Lourve for a year for it to reach as many people as my music did," he pointed out. "Don't base your talent off of your results. You can make money off visual art. And worst case scenario, you sell my autographed things for thousands of dollars. You could get by," he joked.

He ignored the best boyfriend comment. He was hardly the best boyfriend. Especially now. Why was he dragging it out? It wouldn't make this less painful in the end. If anything, it would make things worse.

He walked with her, careful to take small steps. Being tall was a real problem for him and he often stepped on people's feet. And in this situation, he needed to memorize where he was going. He doubted that she'd be leading him out or anything.

Kat was probably right about Ruby, but Jonas and Max had made a promise to keep Teddy moving in life. She wasn't in France to support him anymore. Sometimes, Teddy needed some motivation. Jonas gave him money for every good grade, and for some reason, that helped. But he knew that Teddy was confused about what to do in life and would need more motivation later on. "Teddy... lacks direction, I guess is what you'd call it. He needs some pushing at times." Explaining Teddy was pointless, though. He was the definition of a misunderstood kid.

Jonas shrugged. "He has a little to do with it. It's like, I could have been there with him. He didn't even give me a chance to support him. It's annoying. And his band is really successful. We could have done it together," he explained.

Jonas shook his head. "Not completely." He took a deep breath. "We... should talk," he said hesitantly. He felt bad. But it needed to be said. He couldn't live like this anymore.

The seamstress couldn't help but smile. She'd come to a point where she'd simply accepted all of her inadequacies and failures. She treated them like a joke, something she could laugh off even if they stung her. "You were my best friend, too. You still are! I've been the happiest I've ever been these past few months being your girlfriend. I'm so glad that I realized my feelings for you and that you love me too~. Even now! You give me confidence that my first impression wasn't the last impression that I can have on people. I've always thought that could never be true. I've never thought of myself as anything else than who I was before... that most people hated. I don't believe you completely yet, but the mode you say it... I'm starting to."

"Practice does for everyone else but me. You're wrong about that- my art isn't meant to be anywhere but my own bedroom, and it's not even good enough for that. It's not good enough period. It's never been good enough. I sometimes wish I hadn't picked such a stupid dream to follow," she chuckled. "It's not just hard, it's impossible for me." She then laughed at his joke. "No! I'd never do that and you know it."

Kat had a very kind heart. Even when Jonas broke hers, she wouldn't become angry or spiteful. She'd do anything for him, no matter what the situation was. That's what love was- caring for a person even if it was they cared nothing for you.

She lead him into the small break room. There wasn't much in it. There was a mini-fridge with some fruit punch juice boxes inside and some ice-cream sandwiches, and there was rug over the hardwood floor. A window shone in from behind a small sofa, providing a little more light than in the rest of the shop. She settled him on the couch and the snuggled next to him. "There! We can see a little better now."

Kat looked down, realizing that Jonas thought she didn't understand Teddy's complexity. "Er... yeah! I guess you're used to that. I must have been really annoying when you needed to push me in the right direction."

"Right..." The young woman murmured. "I know how much you cared for him. And how successful your band could've been. I'm sure if you see him again you could start supporting him again, though! You shouldn't lose hope, and you especially shouldn't think all is lost or not see him. I hope you don't think I would stop you from doing that."

When Jonas said she had to talk, Kat's skin turned so pale you would think she was dead. Still, she moved a bit further away on the couch, wanting to look him in the eye. Trying not to think of the worst, she put a smile on her face, nodding. "Wh-What is it?" she asked, her voice breaking.

Jonass just listened as she complimented him. He was suddenly very ashamed of himself. He couldn't have picked a more sensitive heart than Kat's, could he? The way she spoke. It made him feel like she was basing her self-worth on him and him only. If this was hard on him, it was going to be merciless on her. He weighed the pros and cons of staying with her as they sat down on the couch in the room. There was better light, and for that, he was grateful.

When she got really close to him, Jonas stiffened but then put his arm around her anyway. He would have done it if they were friends, too, so it was hardly a big deal.

"You don't annoy me, Kat. You never have," he pointed out.

He felt it when Kat pulled away. It was too late to back out. He just needed to say it.

"Kat, I think we should break up. I feel like we're moving in different directions in life and I feel like I can't give you one hundred percent. I haven't treated you the way you deserve and I'm sorry," he said. "I don't think I'm going to be better any time soon, so I think this is for the best."

The young red-head definitely took noticed of her... friend's silence while she was speaking, not to mention his lack of the lengthy responses. They had been having a conversation and it had stagnated completely now.

"Yeah... you never have," Kat smiled. "You're the one that's always made me feel worth something. I love you for that~" she said softly.

The next words that Jonas said dimmed the light in Kat's eyes. The storm outside was waning, but she felt like it had just been unleashed in her own head. She couldn't cry. She forced herself not to cry. Her voice had broken once  but she cleared her throat to ensure it didn't happen again. Her smile faded, but she tried to remain positive.

"D-Different- directions. I guess you're right. You're going to go off and be famous... and I'm just going to be stuck here." There were multiple things that she thought about. How her art was going no where, how she was keeping Jonas locked inside a small apartment when it was clear he wanted to go on tour with a band. He didn't deserve a girlfriend like her. One that couldn't even play music and would only cause him to feel weighed down. "You're wrong, Jonas. You couldn't have been kinder to me. You've treated me like I was your world, like you would do anything for me. It- It is for the best. You have such big dreams and those just aren't with me. I-I hope you find everything you want. I hope you find someone who's better for you than me that's the love of your life. I'm sorry I kept you so tied down."

Jonas was that for Kat. She knew that, now. Jonas had been the love of her life. But she hadn't been able to get the chance for her big break like he had, so she wasn't as great of an artist as him. And he didn't deserve someone like that.